An untitled Pokemon crack fic with a title
by StupidSequel
Summary: Team Rocket dress up as the twerps and successfully make off with their Pokemon. When Brock acts significantly OOC, James feels motivated to evolve his Yamask. Featuring Duplica. Contains small spoilers from the newest episode as of 2/18/12.


**An untitled Pokemon crack fic with a title**

This story is mainly centered around the Team Rocket trio we're all familiar with: Jesse, James, and Meowth. If you think Team Rocket in the recent episodes is boring, this fanfic should be the perfect remedy.

After blasting off for the 1500th time, Team Rocket knew they were screwed. They were out somewhere in the forest near SkyArrow bridge.

"You know, we should develop a tool that acts as a legendary Pokemon radar. Then we could, like, finally defeat that Arceus damn twerp Ash and steal his Dick-a-chu." James moaned.

"James, please stop talking for, like, forever. Your voice sucks now. Justin Bieber sounds like the Elvis man compared to you. I know those people are just old wives' tales, except for whichever universe our author lives in." Jessie scolded and spake softly at the same time. Everytime James opened his mouth to say something, Meowth would deliver a perfectly timed scratch vertically across his lips. Jessie strained her ears. The twerps were coming their way.

"Look, it's Team Rocket!" Ash pointed a finger at them.

"Oh crap, we don't have disguises. Better improvise!" Jessie and James both moved a single hair out of place. Jessie stuffed Meowth inside her mouth.

"Who are you guys?" Ash asked with such enthusiasm, and he sounded sincere. **"**Did you see where Team Rocket just went? They were just where you guys were standing. It's like they just disappeared. I know you're definitely not them because the 153rd hair from the left of the center of Jesse's head should be a millimeter more to the right, and the 303rd hair from the back of James's head should be about a nanometer northward." He finally noticed their shirts. "And you sure love the letter R, don't you?"

"Well, we just happen to be bounty hunters. You see, a pedophile has escaped from jail and we need your Pikachu and your Axew to help stop this criminal." James spoke. Jessie couldn't do anything because then their cover would be blown.

"Here's my Pikachu. Good luck," Ash unhesitatingly handed over his Pikachu, and Iris followed suit.

When Team Rocket was at a safe distance from the twerps, they decided to pay Dupleca a visit, flying on Jesse's Woobat all the way to Johto, or wherever Dupleca moved to.

"Hello, trio who definitely isn't team Rocket because you have a hair out of place. What can I do you for?" Dupleca said in a Bronx accent.

"Do you have an Ash costume and an Iris costume?" Jessie almost demanded.

"I sure do. I have costumes of every living being in the entire universe. Arceus, Keldeo, those fictional things we call animals like chickens, cats, dogs, you name it. There's a reason the world recognizes me as the world's greatest master of disguise." Dupleca handed them the Ash and Iris costumes. "Take care, and I know you're definitely not going to do anything malicious with them because I know you're definitely not Team Rocket."

Meanwhile, Ash and Iris were holding hands, taking a walk across Sky Arrow bridge. Or they would be if they hadn't noticed the sign that read "This bridge is closed for the same reason as the Sherman Minton Bridge in a land far far away, known as Louisville, Kentucky. Too lazy to write an explanation."

"Well that sucks," Ash bit his thumb. "If they're comparing it to the Sherman Minton bridge, then that means it will never open within anyone's lifetime." He then saw the bizarro versions of themselves across the bridge, who were actually Team Rocket. "Oh never mind, we're already across."

"Hey, we ARE already across! Screw the sign!" Iris bragged as she kicked it down with ease because she has such strong sexy legs. "Now we can proceed onward back to the forest." Ash remembered when he lost against Bianca's dad and about his promise to move back to Palette Town if he lost.

"I made a promise, and I must keep it." When they were on the approximate halfway point of the bridge, it collapsed under their weight.

"What? But...but... I thought we WERE across! I could see ourselves standing on the other side! But that's impossible!" They were treading the water of the river below the bridge known as the "eh?" bridge in the games. The bizarro versions of themselves then took their disguises off and moved their hairs back exactly in place to reveal... TEAM ROCKET!

"Team Rocket? I should have known it was you!" Ash shouted and flipped them the bird using both hands.

"Prepare for trouble and..." Yadda yadda. Taking advantage of the fact that the twerps were about 264 ft below them, treading water they cannot stand up in was a good move because now they could make their getaway.

The troublesome trio then met up with Brock on the way to the chateau. James kept looking at his watch.

"My Little Pony starts in about ten minutes, and Brock promised he'd watch it with us."

"Hey there, Ash, and... who is this nigga? Is that your girlfriend?" Brock axed.

"Are you my girlfriend, nigga?" James, who is disguised as Ash, asked Jessie, who is disguised as Iris. Bizarro Iris became wide eyed.

"What the fuck?" Jessie looked at him as if he had evolved into a Victini. Brock flared in anger.

"That's MY word! Iris can say it cuz she's black, but you, Ash! I thought you'd know better by now since your battle with Lenora. Now let's go watch some ponies because I am a Brony, but Ash, I didn't know you were a Brony. And I didn't know you were a Pegasister, Iris." They watched an episode where Fluttershy took the SAT and was diagnosed with Asperger's and Pinkie Pie faked her own death. After the episode was over, some fat kid wearing a clown nose ran in and said to Bizarro Ash:

"Somebody told me you don't smell like glitter, sunshine, rainbows, and strawberries. I recommend taking a bath." And just in the snap of a finger, he was gone like greezed lightnin.

"I'll show them!" James put on his determined face, went up to the fancy as hell bathroom, and took about three hours to turn on the lukewarm water. Brock was watching the whole time.

"Dude! Are you homo? You realize you're about to watch a male strip into his birthday suit to take a bath, don't you?" Brock did not speak a word. He licked his lips.

"I am actually bisexual," he said in an emotionless voice. He then opened his eyes. He stared at James, unblinking. He could feel Brock staring into his soul. James was too freaked out to move at all.

James ran out of the bathroom screaming. He tried to go out the front door. No luck. Well, it was theoretically possible, but James did not want to go out in the pouring rain without an umbrella, especially since it was a thunderstorm. He went back inside.

"Now I can use the bathroom," Brock said in that same strange emotionless voice. Then he said much louder and more demonic, "AND NO ONE'S GONNA STOP ME!" He slammed the bathroom door shut and locked it. Jessie decided she needed to go really bad. But she was afraid to knock on the bathroom door because of his sudden scary appearance. _Will he drag me to hell? Or worse, the distortion world? _She suddenly felt intense scratch-like pain in her mouth. She spit whatever it was out. Meowth. Of course! She had forgotten that she had stuffed him in there. _Oh no! Now Brock will begin to catch on that we're Team Rocket!_

The butterflies in James's stomach multiplied to over 9000 when he saw Meowth sitting by Bizarro Iris. And he still needed to go pee in addition to needing to take his bath. _My Arceus, Brock sure is taking forever. _Brock had been in the bathroom for about four hours now, and James held it for about that long. He was afraid to knock on the door because of the creepy stare that Brock had given him. _I could evolve my Yamask into Co***rigus and threaten to turn him into a mummy. _James looked out the window. The storm had not let up, still. Brock's demonic voice boomed throughout the chateau.

"I AM MAKING THE STORM LAST INDEFINITELY SO YOU CANNOT LEAVE!" James could not hold it in any longer. But he didn't want to go outside because of the storm.

_Wait. Jessie must know what poop and pee tastes like. Surely she must be used to it from having Meowth inside her mouth. I don't want to do this but I'm left with no choice. I have to empty my bodily __waste into her mouth. _James cleared his throat. "Jessie, I mean, Iris, may I please poop in your mouth? It's an emergency."

"What what WHAT?" Jessie said exactly like Kyle's mom from South Park. "Why would I do that? If Brock will not let you back **IN THE BATHROOM**," those last three words were said exactly like NintendoCapriSun. "either tough the storm out and go beside a tree or a bush or just go in your pants, but you are NOT using my mouth as a toilet! I have to go at least as bad as you, and I have not ever thought about pooping in anyone's' mouth. If anyone needs their mouth pooped in, it would be Brock's, but if we could, then it would mean being able to go in the bathroom, making the whole venture pointless." James reluctantly exited through the front door and was instantly pelted by thousands of rain drops followed by a lightning strike that struck a few feet from where he was. "If I can survive getting electrocuted by the twerp's Pikachu 10000 times, I can sure as heck do this." He stood in the exact spot where the lightning just hit. "Silly, stupid lightning. Never strikes the same place twice." Just as he said those words, he got struck by lightning. He found a tree and did his business by it. He hurried back into the chateau as a bunch of fatal looking lightning bolts were chasing him.

"No one leaves MY chateau! HAHAHAHA!" Brock said in that same demonic voice. A Pokeball fell out of James's bag as he sat down on the floor.

"Oh, hey Keldeo." James greeted.

"You have a Keldeo?" Jessie gasped. "You realize that if we showed that to the boss, then there would be no need to chase after the twerp's Pikachu?"

"I did not catch it because it's a super rare legendary Pokemon. I caught it because it looks like one of those My Little Pony characters, and I am a Brony. And besides, chasing after the twerp's Pikachu was an opportunity to go on a huge journey to explore the world. I had such overprotective parents, and you did too, didn't you?" Jessie nodded. James sent out his Yamask and his Keldeo.

"Listen up, Keldeo. I want you to let Yamask win, but don't make it too easy. Okay?" After so much intense training, Yamask evolved into Co***rigus. Keldeo celebrated by skating around in top of Cofagrigus, leaving scuff marks all about.

"Keldeo, stop disfiguring my Co***rigus."

"James, you went to the bathroom outside, your mission is done, so why do you still feel the need to threaten Brock with your newly evolved Co***grigus?"

"I still need to take my Arceus damn bath!" James pointed out.

"Do not take the Lord Arceus's name in vain." Jessie preached.

"I do whatever the make eggs I want, and now my Co***grigus needs a bath too! All those scuff marks can't be too good for his self esteem. Holy shit, I cannot, and I repeat, CANNOT take a bath together with my Co***grigus."

"Why not?" Jessie was curious.

James, with his Co***grigus in tow, stormed up to the bathroom without explaining why.

"OPEN UP THE ARCEUS DAMN DOOR AND LET ME TAKE A BATH OR MY CO***RIGUS WILL BREAK IT DOWN AND TURN YOU INTO A MUMMY!"

"Where are your manners, boy?" Brock said, this time in a Jim Carry-esque tone.

"You are too weird, Brock! First you stare into my soul and claim to be bisexual, then you lock me, Jessie, and Meowth- I mean, me and Iris out of the bathroom. But we're not Team Rocket. Then you claim to have created this super thunderstorm and your voice carries all through the house like some kind of intercom system, and now you act like a comedian! Dude, what. The. Fuck? Cofagrigus, use shadow ball on the door." Cofagrigus used his shadow ball to break down the door, and Brock was sitting there, planking between the toilet and the sink. The sink sits higher than the toilet and his head was in the bowl, his feet propped up on the sink.

"Cofagrigus, wrap him up neat and tight, and-"

"Okay, I'll let you take your bath. I think you've been punished enough." Brock went back to normal, his Gengar returning to its Pokeball.

"Punishment?" James echoed.

"Yes. Your scheme earlier of claiming to be bounty hunters trying to catch the pedophile that got out of jail. Ever since you made up the tale about me being a pedophile, endless officer Jennies have apparently been spreading this rumor, and have been endlessly interrogating me using the good cop bad cop technique because they do not take that shit lightly. I could not take it anymore, so I hid in the chateau to watch My Little Pony episodes as well as catching a Gengar, needing some variety cuz rock Pokemon suck arse. I needed to invite you over to watch it with me, knowing you, Team Rocket, were fans of the show. And then chaos ensued when I allowed my Gengar to possess me. I loved that bit. You shouldn't have pretended I was a pedophile."

"Wait. You didn't seem the least bit shocked that we were actually Team Rocket. You knew this whole time?"

"Yep. Dupleca is my girlfriend. I used to think she was a Lopunny, and that I was in love with a Pokemon, practicing bestiality, but she surprised me by turning out to be Dupleca disguised as a Lopunny. She was in on it. You lost the game!"

James finally began to take his bath.

"Time is short. I planted a bomb in this chateau, and if you want to get out alive, you have about..." Brock wrote some complicated mathematical function type things involving integrals, differential equations, and Riemann's sums on a dry erase board. "About 19 minutes till it goes all splodey, so there's time for only one bath!" Brock ran out of the bathroom. He forgot to close the door. James was fully unclothed and his Cofagrigus was next to him, outside the confines of the tub.

_ I'm afraid to take a bath together with Cofagrigus because I'm afraid he might wrap me up like a mummy, and the wrappings might clog the drain. Guess I'll have to face my fears like earlier when I went out in that thunderstorm. _He invited Cofagrigus beside him. Sure enough, his worry came true. Cofagrigus wrapped him up snugly, and the wrappings made this pulpy mess that clogged the drain. _Oh crap, I lost track of time. Gotta get out of here. _James was in so much of a hurry that he ran out of the chateau, forgetting to put his clothes back on. But at least he smelled good now, and that was all that mattered.

"Oh crap, the twerps! I forgot about them. I hope they're alright. I know I don't like them very much, but I don't want them to die either."

"Nah, they're fine!" Jessie assured him. Just then the chateau exploded, and the ground shook. The terrible team rocket trio saw something flying overhead. It looked like the twerps.

"The twerps are blasting off again," Team Rocket said in unison.

Meanwhile, Ash's mom was surprised to see him again.

"Ash! You came back. And you haven't aged a bit. I thought you'd have at least hit puberty by now."

"Yeah, well, it's easier to get where you're going when a Chateau explodes and makes you blast off, saving you from drowning to death. This nigga right here is my girlfriend, Iris. I had to return here because I battled Bianca's dad and I promised that if I lost, then I would have to return here, and I did lose."

"You, a white guy, have the nerve to call me nigga? Well, I, a black girl, have the nerve to call you single. Goodbye forever, Ass Ketchum!" Without Iris, his journey, or his Pikachu, Ash might as well be dead. So he got out a handgun, pointed it at his head, and pulled the trigger.


End file.
